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and got honked at by an old lady, so I d decided to wait to drive all the
way home. I d come looking for Chad instead. And somewhere in there I m sur
e it would lead me to telling him that by the way, I m into guys and you we
re my first crush. Seems like something I d say while not thinking straight
. And I wasn t, was I?
Feeling ill again, I let my weight fall back against the couch, hoping he wou
ldn t bother me again, especially since I still didn t feel like eating the c
andy bar, which he was staring at because he wanted me to, or maybe...I held
it out to him.  You want it?
There was a knock on the front door. I don t think Greg would have been more
relieved for the interruption if I d had my hand halfway down his pants as
I confessed my undying love. He was up and at the door in seconds. I only ha
lf stopped paying attention. Didn t bother looking to see who it was there,
but I could hear Greg as he said a few silent words.  He got here like this.
..he said he didn t take anything, but...
 You take drugs, Nels? My dad s voice reached my ears and I turned my he
ad, eyeing him where he stood in the doorway, adjusting his glasses with
gloved hands.
 Not today, I said, because I didn t lie to my parents.
My dad exchanged an amused glance with Greg.  I ve got him.
 Thanks, Mr. Lambert. Um... I was sort of late...
 We ll lock up, my dad promised.  Thanks for calling.
Greg grinned, already reaching for his car keys. I heard the door close a m
oment later, and then my dad was on the couch next to me, eyeing my candy b
ar. He wanted it. I held it out with a weird smile that felt just plain stu
pid on my face, found myself watching as he tore the wrapper, pulled a piec
e of chocolate and shoved it into his mouth. Something about his actions fe
lt comforting. Rubbed at the numbness. Or maybe that was just because he wa
s there.
 So what s going on, Nels? he asked, his eyes concerned through his glasses
, but his tone neutral. I m sure he expected me to tell him something horrib
le. I felt the need to put him out of his misery.
 Uncle Ray isn t looking for me for anything, I promised.  And mostly I ju
st smoke pot with Joe. Not all the time. I pointed across the room where I
 d dropped my backpack.  And there s alcohol in there, but I didn t drink a
ny of it.
Curious, my dad crossed the room, opened the bag and reached directly for th
e bottle, which he studied for a moment before deciding to leave it next to
the TV for Chad and Greg. When he turned to face me again he was serious, th
e kind of soft look that always made me want to tell him everything. Or cry.
I felt myself sitting up a little straighter, the bridge of my nose burning
as I became determined to do the first thing and not the second.
 Are you okay, son?
I shook my head. Or maybe I was just shaking. Not helping the nausea.  Ass
face.
 Excuse me?
I rubbed at my temple, my head beginning to ache. He was back on the couch
again, his big hands massaging my shoulders soothingly.  Jame Graham, I sa
id, not liking the tremor in my voice.  He said I was going to fuck up ever
ything for Milo, and I think I did. I met my dad s eyes, feeling helpless.
Then I tapped my thigh, the dark jeans covering it.  And these aren t my p
ants, I added, because at the moment, I figured that should explain everyt
hing.
..............................
Sleep covered it up, my body rebelling against everything that had managed
to kick it on its ass. Go take a nap. Go take a nap. I d refused the sugges
tion from both of my parents and ended up passing out the second I went dow
n to my room to change because I couldn t stand looking at my legs wrapped
in Milo s jeans anymore. I liked these jeans. On him. But waking up hurt. O
pening my eyes I felt like my stomach was bottoming out, and my eyes felt s
wollen, maybe because I d refused to cry all day and I needed to. Whatever.
Crying could fuck off. I didn t want to cry. I wanted to fix things.
I was groggy as I made my way to the bathroom to splash water on my face,
and then followed muffled voices through the house. It smelled like pizza,
faint. So maybe, cold pizza now. I hoped that no one would try to get me
to eat some. My stomach was already lurching in protest.
Voices. Kitchen. My first thoughts were alarmed, because out the big glass w
indows the field was dark, the goat staring in one of them looking like a gh
ost outside. I looked around groggily. Cold pizza on the kitchen counter. Tw
o slices and three hot wings, exactly what I usually ate. I decided to get m
ad at the food and without thinking pulled it all out of the box and dumped
it in the trash can.
Returning to being worried over where everyone else was, I continued to th
e living room where I paused the moment I heard pieces of conversation.
 ... be okay, I mean, if it were to happen, Haily would give the heads-up, ri
ght? Leanna was asking.  Nels did tell her?
 Yeah, my mom replied.  Maybe I should call her over... she doesn t know
anything about Milo, though.
And she wasn t going to find out, I thought wildly, gritting my teeth. Beca
use I needed, had to keep some of my promises.
 I don t think we should do anything just yet, my dad insisted. Thank God.
Voice of reason.  Let s see how this plays out.
 I agree with you, my mom replied.  But obviously we need to be prepared
. Maybe Nelson can go visit your cousins for a few weeks, and obviously h
e won t be in school tomorrow...
I walked into the living room where my parents were gathered with Chad and
Leanna, all of their demeanors looking just like they should for any fami
ly emergency.
I wasn t in the mood for being an emergency. I found myself forcing my fe
atures to soften when my mom spotted me first, smiled and got up to give m
e a hug. I was okay with that, closed my eyes against her comfortable shou
lder before releasing her.
 Hi, honey, she said, looking me over the way she might if I d just survive
d a bull fight.  How did you sleep? There s food in the kitchen.
I ignored the first question, waved off the second and promised,  I was a
lready there. Took care of it. She smiled approvingly. Later when she lo
oked in the trash can she d be force-feeding me last night s chicken.  An
d I m not leaving anywhere, I said.  And I m going to school tomorrow.
My brother and my dad seemed to approve. Leanna just smiled at me, seemin
g suddenly uncomfortable, and my mom looked worried. I asked my next ques
tion before she could respond.  Did you talk to Emily?
Eventually my dad had gotten me home. My car was still sitting at Chad s ap
artment, unless he and Leanna had brought it back. Probably better if they
didn t, I decided, because I wanted to drive over to Milo s, knock on the d
oor until someone heard me and get as mad as I should have that morning. On
ly, he didn t want me to. But I d managed to tell my parents most of what h
ad happened. The last time they d talked to me the night before, I d been w
ith Caleb, and that s where they d assumed I d spent the night. They weren
t going to ground me after everything else I d told them had happened, but
I had a feeling they d be keeping closer eyes on me. Truthfully, I didn t m
ind. I think maybe I needed that. [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]